I Have Become "That Guy"

It is with a heavy heart that I write today. After living in denial for a couple of years now, I have come to the horrible realization that I have indeed become "That Guy." I can't tell you exactly when it happened. I suppose it has been a long, gradual process and therefore it went largely unnoticed all of this time. Sure, there were a couple of times where I thought to myself, "am I really acting this way?" But up until a couple of weeks ago, I convinced myself that it was no big deal. I would make jokes about it "pretending" that I was becoming "That Guy", but all the while trying to convince myself that that's all it was, just joking around.

Not anymore.

I have become "Lawn Guy."

When we first moved in to our house a couple of years ago, I liked the way our lawn looked. The new sod in the front yard looked great, and I could see how it could make a man proud to have a nice looking lawn. What I couldn't see at the time was how people could get so emotionally involved in the upkeep of their lawns.

The backyard has always been pretty crappy looking. It was seeded, not sod like the front yard, and we moved in July 31. I think it was over 100 degrees the day we moved in and at least 97 for the next few days after that. Needless to say, new seed doesn't like to grow when it is 100 degrees outside. So the first year, the back yard was really patchy but I could live with it. I realized that Rome wasn't built in a day and the builder even warned us it would take 2-3 years for the backyard to really get established. I figured I would seed a little in the fall, seed a little in the spring, and maybe have something workable by early summer 07.

Little did I realize at the time, 80% of the seed that germinated was annual ryegrass.

For those who don't know a lot about grass types and/or don't give a crap, there are basically two types of grass. Perennial and annual. Perennial grass goes dormant in the winter and comes back in the spring. Annual grass, on the other hand, is the type that grows for one year and then dies. Forever. Apparently the mix of seed in the back yard had some of each. Annual is used because it has a higher germination rate and can help get a lawn growing while the perennial grass fills in over time. I wish I had known at the time that my entire back yard would turn to straw over the winter, I might have been a little more pro-active about seeding.

But even then, after all of that, we still had a decent start to the lawn and I just figured it would take a little longer to get the full, lush turf I desired. I have never been the most patient person, but I realized this is something that would take a lot of time and effort, and I was OK with that.

That is, until Roger Bossert moved in to the house behind us

Mr. Bossert, whose real name is Richard (which I have affectionately shortened to "Dick", apparently has a bit of a green thumb when it comes to growing grass. He has been in his house at least one year less than we have, but his back yard already looks impeccable. No bare spots, deep green color, you get the idea.

At first, I didn't mind that his lawn looked so great and mine so un-great. I just assumed that he had gone through this before and knew that he had to put a lot of work in up front to get the lawn established. But then, I noticed little things that seemed to get under my skin, almost bringing me to the point of rage.

For instance, one warm sunny day when I was out seeding my lawn, Dick and his kids were out in their yard. The kids, toddler age, were running around having a good time as kids tend to do. And then I heard it. The older one, maybe 3 years old, says to dear old dad, "Daddy, the grass is so beautiful!"

W. T. F.

What kind of freakin 3 year old tells his dad the grass is beautiful?? I was convinced that comment was planted just to get under my skin.

And then there was the episode about a month ago. I'm out mowing the back yard, kicking up dust from our dried out, barren tundra and I look over and see Dick come out of the house with a little bag of seed. And as I continue to mow, he walks around his back yard sprinkling little pinches of seed over his imaginary bare spots. That is the first time the thought of dousing his yard with Round-Up came to mind.

And then the proverbial straw that broke the camels back. I was watching TV one day with the windows open, which is a significant occurrence considering the spring (or lack there-of) that we've had, and all the sudden I hear heavy machinery operating right behind me. My first thought was that the builder was doing some work on the lot behind us, no big deal. Then I saw it. Dick came rumbing in to the back yard with a commercial grade, front deck riding mower.

Never mind the fact that our lots are only 1/4 acre. And on top of that, because the way the roads curve in our subdivision, my yard opens up in the back and his narrows causing his yard to be about half the size of mine. I had never even considered a riding mower for our yard. There was no need and I would feel like an absolute goof trying to mow my yard with a huge riding mower. You would have to spend more time trimming the spots that you couldn't get to with that behemoth. But that didn't stop ol' Dick. You could see the pride on his face as he mowed his entire back yard in about 4 minutes.

So . . .Dick is out mowing again, and I am here writing about it so that I keep myself distracted long enough to prevent wasting my time scheming up devious plans to sabotage his lawn or his new piece of farm machinery.

I did manage to snap a picture of said equipment. Notice the double lever control and the double bagging action. Nevermind the fact that he couldn't fill both bags if he mowed his yard 4 times since he mows every 3 or 4 days. Also notice the kitchen table and chairs that he has decided to leave in his back yard even though I haven't seen it being used in the year that they've lived there. Try not to notice how my yard looks like dog crap compared to the Lord of the Lawn's masterpiece.

Christ, I need a beer.