Coming in to this season, our co-ed softball team, Scared Hitless, has absolutely dominated the competition, including a sweep of the regular season and tournament titles last year. The other teams have simply been outclassed, proving to be no match for our all-star roster which boasts 6 former collegiate athletes and 1 intramural all-star (atta boy, Jon).
Well, to put it bluntly, we finally got our asses absolutely handed to us last night. For the first time in my eight years with the team, we were not only 10-run ruled, but we were shutout . . . in softball . . .slow-pitch softball. This complete de-pantsing made me wonder if I had ever been more humiliated during a sporting event than I was on Monday night. After going back through the mental archive, I can say, with utmost confidence, that this tops of the list of my most humiliating sports experiences ever. Here's a quick rundown:
#5
It was senior year of high school, we were big men on campus. I was the starting center on the basketball team (yes, a 6'2" 160lb center, welcome to IHSA class A hoops) and we were playing the Deland-Weldon Eagles at home. I'm convinced that D-W was the 2nd worst basketball program in the state (behind Normal Calvary Baptist) and we had circled this game on the calendar from day 1. Nothing was better than putting up a 50 pt win on a hopelessly overmatched team. This game was such a stone-cold, lead-pipe lock that me and my buddy on the team were shooting NBA 3's and other circus shots during the pregame warmups. For some reason the head coach didn't think that was as awesome as we did and without warning decided to bench us for THE ENTIRE GAME. I was so embarrassed and pissed off after the game that I irrationally proclaimed that I wasn't going to play baseball in the spring for this buttmunch. (our baseketball coach was also our baseball coach, and P.E teacher, and athletic director, and health teacher, and assistant principal.) Luckily, I came to my senses or else humiliating moment #4 would have never happened.
#4
Senior year baseball. I was having a solid year, the team was doing well, but that just wasn't good enough. I knew that our competition wasn't the greatest, and I was having trouble accepting "good enough." I wanted perfection. My lack of perfection finally sent me over the edge when I los
t a shutout in the last inning of a game against a conference foe. It was the 3rd or 4th game where I had given up one run and I finally snapped. After the 3rd out I stomped over to the dugout and threw my glove against the dugout and went postal. It was by no means the greatest baseball tirade ever, but I was definitely causing a scene. Luckily my asst. coach came over and sat me down and lectured me on how to be preofessional and keep my composure. He made me realize how much of an immature douche I was being and I felt like a comlete tool after I calmed down.
#3
Par 3 golf course, circa 1990. Mom had taken me and a friend to the par 3 golf course one Saturday where you could play all day for $4. I had Dad's clubs and we were hacking it up and having a grand ol' time. Then it all went south. I teed it up on one of the holes and completely duffed it. A groundball to shortstop if you will. As any self-respecting golfer would do, I took a mulligan. And duffed it again. This process repeated itself about 6 more times before the temper flared up once more and I chucked the 7-iron I was holding as far as I could. I could only watch in disbelief as my Dad's 7 iron went spinning, in slow motion it seemed, right out into the middle of a lake. If I wasn't so stunned, I might have been more angry at my friend. who was rolling around in tears of laughter at my misfortune.
#2
Corporate league softball, 2005. It was my first year at the new company. I was Mr. ex-baseball player super athlete in the eyes of my co-workers and they were all too happy to sign up for the corporate team that I organized, completely confident that I could lead them to the corporate league promised land. To make a long story short, the park district had to merge the corporate league with the A-league and the team was promptly disbanded after an 0-10 inaugural season.
And finally. . .
#1
A little over 24 hours ago. The emotional wounds have started to heal just enough for me to recall that horrible night. The game started out full of promise. We were playing our primary competiton for the league title, a rematch of the season opener which we had lost 9-8 after playing an awful game. We knew we could play better that we had and we were ready to show the other team why we had won so many titles this decade. The news that our shortstop and best hitter had been puking for 2 straight days and our pitcher had dropped a full keg on his foot made us a little nervous, but we still knew we could pull out a win. After a shaky start, we held it together and only gave up one run in the first inning. That would be as close as we would ever get. We were so thoroughly PO4N3D that we only got a runner as far as second base twice. And in the first game as the team's go-to guy batting in the three hole, I swung and completely missed the first pitch, then proceeded to pop up to shortstop, pop up to short left field and on the last play of the game I hit a weak grounder back to the pitcher. As bad as that was, I was worse in the field. All 3 or 4 throws that I made from the outfield took at least 5 hops to get where they were going, and I took a horrible route on a line drive and then fell down as the other team's worst hitter rounded the bases for a 3-run, back-breaking, inside the park homer, thus cementing this game as my #1 most embarassing sports moment of all time.
(Honorable mention goes to my performance in "bags" tonight. After beating my neighbor in the first game and taking a 14-4 lead in game 2, I sqeaked out a 21-19 win before losing the final two contests. Mercifully, the deciding game 5 was suspended due to darkness.)
Well, to put it bluntly, we finally got our asses absolutely handed to us last night. For the first time in my eight years with the team, we were not only 10-run ruled, but we were shutout . . . in softball . . .slow-pitch softball. This complete de-pantsing made me wonder if I had ever been more humiliated during a sporting event than I was on Monday night. After going back through the mental archive, I can say, with utmost confidence, that this tops of the list of my most humiliating sports experiences ever. Here's a quick rundown:
#5
It was senior year of high school, we were big men on campus. I was the starting center on the basketball team (yes, a 6'2" 160lb center, welcome to IHSA class A hoops) and we were playing the Deland-Weldon Eagles at home. I'm convinced that D-W was the 2nd worst basketball program in the state (behind Normal Calvary Baptist) and we had circled this game on the calendar from day 1. Nothing was better than putting up a 50 pt win on a hopelessly overmatched team. This game was such a stone-cold, lead-pipe lock that me and my buddy on the team were shooting NBA 3's and other circus shots during the pregame warmups. For some reason the head coach didn't think that was as awesome as we did and without warning decided to bench us for THE ENTIRE GAME. I was so embarrassed and pissed off after the game that I irrationally proclaimed that I wasn't going to play baseball in the spring for this buttmunch. (our baseketball coach was also our baseball coach, and P.E teacher, and athletic director, and health teacher, and assistant principal.) Luckily, I came to my senses or else humiliating moment #4 would have never happened.
#4
Senior year baseball. I was having a solid year, the team was doing well, but that just wasn't good enough. I knew that our competition wasn't the greatest, and I was having trouble accepting "good enough." I wanted perfection. My lack of perfection finally sent me over the edge when I los
t a shutout in the last inning of a game against a conference foe. It was the 3rd or 4th game where I had given up one run and I finally snapped. After the 3rd out I stomped over to the dugout and threw my glove against the dugout and went postal. It was by no means the greatest baseball tirade ever, but I was definitely causing a scene. Luckily my asst. coach came over and sat me down and lectured me on how to be preofessional and keep my composure. He made me realize how much of an immature douche I was being and I felt like a comlete tool after I calmed down.#3
Par 3 golf course, circa 1990. Mom had taken me and a friend to the par 3 golf course one Saturday where you could play all day for $4. I had Dad's clubs and we were hacking it up and having a grand ol' time. Then it all went south. I teed it up on one of the holes and completely duffed it. A groundball to shortstop if you will. As any self-respecting golfer would do, I took a mulligan. And duffed it again. This process repeated itself about 6 more times before the temper flared up once more and I chucked the 7-iron I was holding as far as I could. I could only watch in disbelief as my Dad's 7 iron went spinning, in slow motion it seemed, right out into the middle of a lake. If I wasn't so stunned, I might have been more angry at my friend. who was rolling around in tears of laughter at my misfortune.
#2
Corporate league softball, 2005. It was my first year at the new company. I was Mr. ex-baseball player super athlete in the eyes of my co-workers and they were all too happy to sign up for the corporate team that I organized, completely confident that I could lead them to the corporate league promised land. To make a long story short, the park district had to merge the corporate league with the A-league and the team was promptly disbanded after an 0-10 inaugural season.And finally. . .
#1
A little over 24 hours ago. The emotional wounds have started to heal just enough for me to recall that horrible night. The game started out full of promise. We were playing our primary competiton for the league title, a rematch of the season opener which we had lost 9-8 after playing an awful game. We knew we could play better that we had and we were ready to show the other team why we had won so many titles this decade. The news that our shortstop and best hitter had been puking for 2 straight days and our pitcher had dropped a full keg on his foot made us a little nervous, but we still knew we could pull out a win. After a shaky start, we held it together and only gave up one run in the first inning. That would be as close as we would ever get. We were so thoroughly PO4N3D that we only got a runner as far as second base twice. And in the first game as the team's go-to guy batting in the three hole, I swung and completely missed the first pitch, then proceeded to pop up to shortstop, pop up to short left field and on the last play of the game I hit a weak grounder back to the pitcher. As bad as that was, I was worse in the field. All 3 or 4 throws that I made from the outfield took at least 5 hops to get where they were going, and I took a horrible route on a line drive and then fell down as the other team's worst hitter rounded the bases for a 3-run, back-breaking, inside the park homer, thus cementing this game as my #1 most embarassing sports moment of all time.
(Honorable mention goes to my performance in "bags" tonight. After beating my neighbor in the first game and taking a 14-4 lead in game 2, I sqeaked out a 21-19 win before losing the final two contests. Mercifully, the deciding game 5 was suspended due to darkness.)
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