Softball Wrap-Up

Scared Hitless had a decent showing in the Itasca league this season, compiling a 10-2 regular season record and earning the #2 seed in the tournament. After beating #3 seed The Misfits for the 3rd time this season to reach the tournament final, Where Ya At? once again proved to be too much for the Scared Hitless squad, sending them home for the winter with a 3-0 defeat.

For the season, self-proclaimed team MVP Blake W led the team in runs, hits, homers, RBI, batting average, slugging percentage, OPS, VORP, win shares, EQA, runs created, isolated power, and nose hair. He also led the team in number of 5-hop throws to second base from the outfield and has the dubious distinction of being the only male member of the team to strikeout this year.

Tournament Results

Scared Hitless predictably won in convincing fashion against The Misfits in the make-up game from last week.

Even more predictably, Scared Hitless pissed down their collective legs against Where Ya At? committing multiple errors to lose the game 3-0. All 3 losses this year were to this freaking team and they shut us out the last two games.

I might provide a few season stats when I'm less pissed about our pathetic showing in the tourney final.

It's a TRAVESHAMOCKERY!

The Scared Hitless softball team will be back in action tonight against long-time nemesis The Misfits in semi-final action of the 14" coed league tournament. As you might recall (if you are on our team, because my lack of blog updates precludes anyone else from knowing this...) the first attempt to play this game was cut short last Monday by our dear friend, Mother Nature. Apparently pissed off that the park district was able to get the fields into playable condition just hours after a morning thunderstorm, Mother Nature decided to unleash holy hell on the Chicagoland area at approximately 7:15pm. The timing of the storm was about as bad as you could ask for. Scared Hitless held a comfortable 4-2 lead heading into the top of the 7th, and needed 3 outs to move into the final at 8:30pm. "Comfortable" being a relative term because co-ed teams usually don't score a lot of runs because you have to alternate guys and girls in the lineup, which suppresses scoring. The Misfits had scored a total of 1 run in the two regular season meetings and were handed 2 runs in the 1st inning because of lackluster defense by the Scared Hitless squad.

The top of the 7th was just underway when the rain came, effectively turning the 14" mush ball into a 14" bar of soap. The Misfits were able to capitalize on an errant throw by our gold glove caliber 3rd basewoman by scoring 2 runs to tie the game as the lightning, wind, and rain intensified. As Scared Hitless came up to bat, visibly shaken by the defensive collapse that tied the game, their hopes began to rise as they realized that they would now get a chance to hit in the rain and make the other team try to field and throw the slippery ball. Those hopes were soon dashed as the umpire apparently pulled his head out of his behind and realized that we had been playing in the middle of a thunderstorm for the last 10 minutes.

The game was delayed in the middle of the 7th and the fields that were already saturated from the morning rains began to puddle as the game was postponed sending everyone racing for their cars. The team was obviously pissed about having to play defense in the middle of a thunderstorm and losing the lead. It was assumed that we would continue the game next week in the bottom of the 7th needing only a run to win the game. There was even a slight chance that the game would be called after the last completed inning giving Scared Hitless a 4-2 win in 6 innings. Because of the protests of the Scared Hitless captain, repeatedly stating our case that it was unfair to play half an inning in the rain in dangerous field conditions, there was even a remote chance that the game would be continued in the top of the 7th. The rulebook would have to be consulted to determine the fates of the two teams. The only problem was that there was no rule in place for a game susupeded by rain. My only guess is that when the rulebook was first written, the games must have been played in one of those retractable roof facilities that are so prevalent these days in park district softball.

So without a written rule to guide the ultimate decision, it was left in the uncapable hands of the park district director, who came up with a solution that P.T. Barnum himself would have been proud of:

"Because the game was tied, the entire game will be replayed in its entirety the following Monday."

WTF?

"Because the game was tied?" So if the visiting team had scored 3 runs in the top of the 7th to take the lead, would this genius have proclaimed "because the game was not-tied, the away team wins even though the home team has yet to bat."

So instead of Scared Hitless beginning tonight's game needing 1 run to move into the finals, there will instead be a full 7 inning game played to determine the winner. I would expect that Scared Hitless would win this game rather handily given that the underdog Misfits now realize they have to play another full game against this coed mushball powerhouse, but considering the recent turn of events as well as the fact that the umpire is also a player on one of the teams that did not make the playoffs, I don't know if there is anything that would surprise me at this point.

Check back tomorrow for the tournament results.

R.I.P. Gus: 10/18/1997 - 06/27/2008

My New Favorite Ballplayer

This guy throws almost ninety mph lefty and righty. Yep, you heard me. When this guy goes up against a switch-hitter, hilarity ensues.

You Make the Call . . .

I was at a wedding reception in Michigan recently and I swear a more svelte version of Charlie Weis walked in and started looking for food. Notice how he nonchalantly heads straight for the kitchen and takes a quick peek to see what's cookin'.

So what's the verdict? Is it really Coach Frontbutt?

Oh How the Mighty Have Fallen . . .

Coming in to this season, our co-ed softball team, Scared Hitless, has absolutely dominated the competition, including a sweep of the regular season and tournament titles last year. The other teams have simply been outclassed, proving to be no match for our all-star roster which boasts 6 former collegiate athletes and 1 intramural all-star (atta boy, Jon).

Well, to put it bluntly, we finally got our asses absolutely handed to us last night. For the first time in my eight years with the team, we were not only 10-run ruled, but we were shutout . . . in softball . . .slow-pitch softball. This complete de-pantsing made me wonder if I had ever been more humiliated during a sporting event than I was on Monday night. After going back through the mental archive, I can say, with utmost confidence, that this tops of the list of my most humiliating sports experiences ever. Here's a quick rundown:

#5
It was senior year of high school, we were big men on campus. I was the starting center on the basketball team (yes, a 6'2" 160lb center, welcome to IHSA class A hoops) and we were playing the Deland-Weldon Eagles at home. I'm convinced that D-W was the 2nd worst basketball program in the state (behind Normal Calvary Baptist) and we had circled this game on the calendar from day 1. Nothing was better than putting up a 50 pt win on a hopelessly overmatched team. This game was such a stone-cold, lead-pipe lock that me and my buddy on the team were shooting NBA 3's and other circus shots during the pregame warmups. For some reason the head coach didn't think that was as awesome as we did and without warning decided to bench us for THE ENTIRE GAME. I was so embarrassed and pissed off after the game that I irrationally proclaimed that I wasn't going to play baseball in the spring for this buttmunch. (our baseketball coach was also our baseball coach, and P.E teacher, and athletic director, and health teacher, and assistant principal.) Luckily, I came to my senses or else humiliating moment #4 would have never happened.

#4
Senior year baseball. I was having a solid year, the team was doing well, but that just wasn't good enough. I knew that our competition wasn't the greatest, and I was having trouble accepting "good enough." I wanted perfection. My lack of perfection finally sent me over the edge when I lost a shutout in the last inning of a game against a conference foe. It was the 3rd or 4th game where I had given up one run and I finally snapped. After the 3rd out I stomped over to the dugout and threw my glove against the dugout and went postal. It was by no means the greatest baseball tirade ever, but I was definitely causing a scene. Luckily my asst. coach came over and sat me down and lectured me on how to be preofessional and keep my composure. He made me realize how much of an immature douche I was being and I felt like a comlete tool after I calmed down.

#3

Par 3 golf course, circa 1990. Mom had taken me and a friend to the par 3 golf course one Saturday where you could play all day for $4. I had Dad's clubs and we were hacking it up and having a grand ol' time. Then it all went south. I teed it up on one of the holes and completely duffed it. A groundball to shortstop if you will. As any self-respecting golfer would do, I took a mulligan. And duffed it again. This process repeated itself about 6 more times before the temper flared up once more and I chucked the 7-iron I was holding as far as I could. I could only watch in disbelief as my Dad's 7 iron went spinning, in slow motion it seemed, right out into the middle of a lake. If I wasn't so stunned, I might have been more angry at my friend. who was rolling around in tears of laughter at my misfortune.

#2

Corporate league softball, 2005. It was my first year at the new company. I was Mr. ex-baseball player super athlete in the eyes of my co-workers and they were all too happy to sign up for the corporate team that I organized, completely confident that I could lead them to the corporate league promised land. To make a long story short, the park district had to merge the corporate league with the A-league and the team was promptly disbanded after an 0-10 inaugural season.

And finally. . .

#1

A little over 24 hours ago. The emotional wounds have started to heal just enough for me to recall that horrible night. The game started out full of promise. We were playing our primary competiton for the league title, a rematch of the season opener which we had lost 9-8 after playing an awful game. We knew we could play better that we had and we were ready to show the other team why we had won so many titles this decade. The news that our shortstop and best hitter had been puking for 2 straight days and our pitcher had dropped a full keg on his foot made us a little nervous, but we still knew we could pull out a win. After a shaky start, we held it together and only gave up one run in the first inning. That would be as close as we would ever get. We were so thoroughly PO4N3D that we only got a runner as far as second base twice. And in the first game as the team's go-to guy batting in the three hole, I swung and completely missed the first pitch, then proceeded to pop up to shortstop, pop up to short left field and on the last play of the game I hit a weak grounder back to the pitcher. As bad as that was, I was worse in the field. All 3 or 4 throws that I made from the outfield took at least 5 hops to get where they were going, and I took a horrible route on a line drive and then fell down as the other team's worst hitter rounded the bases for a 3-run, back-breaking, inside the park homer, thus cementing this game as my #1 most embarassing sports moment of all time.




(Honorable mention goes to my performance in "bags" tonight. After beating my neighbor in the first game and taking a 14-4 lead in game 2, I sqeaked out a 21-19 win before losing the final two contests. Mercifully, the deciding game 5 was suspended due to darkness.)